Day two was an exhausting day for me. When I got home I had the rare experience of longing for and desiring complete silence. Even the sound of the TV in the background was bothersome. This is extremely rare for me. I always have sound in the background while I work and think, whether it's the TV or music. When I was in college I found that I could obtain a higher level of concentration when I had some noise in the background and have kept with this pattern throughout life.
But last night I couldn't. Last night it had to be silent.
My poor husband was completely confused by my behavior and found it hard to understand. He wanted to talk to me about the conference and hear about the various speakers. He wanted to tell me about his day and have me ask clarifying questions. He wanted to comment to me about what he was watching on TV. And I could have nothing to do with any of it. It got to the point where I just had to apologize for my attitude, excuse myself from the room, and go to bed.
Finally, with sleep came the silence I was so desperately longing for.
Today I have been reflecting on why I needed complete silence. I've always been able to process multiple things at the same time. In fact, often I thrive on such multi-tasking. So, what was different about yesterday? Sure there was a lot of content to absorb, but how is that different from a day of class during my intensives at seminary?
And then it hit me. What made yesterday different was it wasn't only the amount of content that was shared, it was the degree to which God was pruning me. And it was that combination that pushed me over the edge, to a place where only silence could repair.
Yesterday was not only about head knowledge, it was about heart repair and formation.
I'm sure some of you who attended the Summit are asking yourself right now, "What conference was she at? Not the Leadership Summit I attended." And to be quite honest I can't explain it by content alone. When I look back on my notes for the day I find nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, something happened. Something that I can't even clearly articulate at this moment. Something that I continue to wrestle with in my mind and heart. Something that still feels foreign to me and yet is now a part of me.
Even as I try and describe it now I get a lump in my throat and a nervous tummy feeling, deep in my gut.
Honestly, I have no idea what the outcome of all of this will be. The only thing I can say without a doubt is that I have stumbled into a defining moment in my life, one that even now I don't fully understand nor do I have the ability to fully comprehend. I sense I have been brought to a fork in the road.
Which road I choose to go down, God has left to me.
There is an easy road that my human self, my mind is telling me to take. But there is also a hard road, that my heart is urging and begging me to go down. For the easy road, I have the skills and feel equipped to handle what will come my way. For the hard road, I feel completely unskilled and inadequate for the task. The easy road is assured to be filled with others who will walk with me. But for the hard road it is unknown at this point if anyone would be willing to or feel called to partner with me. The easy road is filled with knowns. The hard road is filled with unknowns.
My gut says that both roads would be OK to go down but that one lacks the same level of potential as the other one possesses. My heart says that God longs for me to choose the hard road but would understand if I chose the easy one. My instinct says the correct choice is the hard road. It is the road that God can grow me the most, change me the most, reveal himself more fully on and yet something continues to stop me.
And so, my soul cries out... "Why can't my mind let go... why can't I take the first step... why can't I let it all go and fully surrender to it?"
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